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13 November 2007 @ 11:39 pm
in the spirit of always moving or just new places,
i've started writing here: moderncommunities.blogspot.com

here might still be a good spot for
writing collaborations with jah and others
but heading over to new spot for
occasional personal stuff and more,

peace friends,
pray for me
04 November 2007 @ 08:34 pm
present time,
that is,present moment which is
goal of buddhist meditation
i guess,proper fixing of memories
upon the canvas of mind
paintings we've flung into the
back of our closets,should have
lit a little warm fire
with my wheelbarrow filled
countless mistakes.
present time,
we write letters beginning or
ending of the day
while i don't write about
worrying about the moon
while i write about
proper fixing of eyes on
insides of books or
ears on funny chanting,
proper focus on lines left by
chain harrow, dragging along
to break up manure but keep away
from horses not to break legs,
present time, seeing the moon up high
in baby blue fall sky, button shirt collar
up tight against breezes in the shade,
present time jobs to ready for winter.
not writing much most days, worried
that folks don't need to hear about
chapped palms and the swinging of

(collaboration by jah and matthew,october)
01 November 2007 @ 11:02 pm

thanks to grandma wheelock for amazing,handmade costume!

31 October 2007 @ 12:17 pm

love accepts
many hard mornings and afternoons,
bless you as we struggle with
our humanness.
last night,noah and i were
on our way to brush our teeth
before bedtime and we saw
you kneeling before his bookshelf,
culling lesser favorites from the
bursting shelves,
i saw the altar everywhere
and hoped our mistakes were
forgiven,our hopes

now i want to learn to
say a prayer everywhere,
starting with your
early morning face,

30 October 2007 @ 09:47 pm
happy birthday to amanda,
dear one and love of my life!

27 October 2007 @ 07:37 am
i just ordered noah & jonah these wonderful wooden bowls to eat from, complete with wooden spoons. noahs spoon will have a snowflake on it to represent winter, & jonahs comes with a moon on his. i plan on ordering the other three seasons of spoons, along with the sun spoon. my mama heart imagines giving them each their little wooden eating bowl when they are my age, or when they have a baby of their own. of course, who knows what will happen. i try not to be attached to Things but these had such a sweet sentimentality all on their own, i couldnt resist.

not to mention i love the idea of not using plastics, especially after the tiniest bit of reading ive done & all the leaching, etc.

also, a maple teething ring for jonah.
and a rainbow colored broom for noah.

i need to buy construction paper so we can start making our paper chains for christmas!


its not that i didnt feel like a mother when i had noah, but having two certainly makes it Clear & certain that i am a mama. i dont know how to describe it, really.

every sunday at 4pm my belly twinges; every monday morning at 4am i am awakened by the memory of jonahs soul leaving my body. 8 am on tuesdays are when i smile with noahs birth memory.... counting his fingers and toes a million times & just utterly amazed at his presence, his little moon face.

october & november are so special to me; its when matthew & i met.
its when my soul found its music.
24 October 2007 @ 06:54 am

joy letters of yours,
hearing about your mornings is like
faith or practice
i need to be reminded of,
it's a face i need to be
shown again and again,

you'd see me known
smiling upwards,tickling the earth with
thankfulness,days of rain
(write that and then think of poor
states with fire)
right before sleep
hearing the rain tinker on the
roof over the bathroom
waking up still pitch black
bright cloudy sky,world still asleep,
roadways shiny with rain,

imagine you sitting right up
in amazing silent night with
song welling up inside you,
patience it takes to listen and to
not rewrite nature song,

peace and love,matthew
23 October 2007 @ 11:07 am
first days back to work are always the hardest.

i am the first to admit that on the whole, i am a better mother & wife, having a job that takes me out of the home for a few hours a week. being gone about ten hours a week helps me to utilize my time Here at home much better; i am able to focus more on just being Present with my children & not dilly-dallying around on the computer or reading my Own book when i should be reading books with noah & jonah. i try to always be present with whatever we are doing; when i am nursing jonah i try (hard & sometimes impossible as it may be) to Just Nurse Him... to stroke his hair & hold his fingers. to have those tiny, unspoken conversations with him and with God. sticking my nose in a book during that time, or focusing on the tv, or talking on the phone... all those things make me feel like im wasting such a precious gift. i am so lucky to have the two little boys that i do; i am forever grateful to be given the opportunity to raise them & enjoy them & cherish them.

& i say all this, that i am a better mama & wife when i have a job outside the home, but at this very moment, i dont feel quite ready yet. & while i am so grateful to work for a company that, in the end, has Always worked with me regarding my schedules & time, has allowed me to ease back into work-mode; this is a place that i can leave from in a moment's notice if i need to for any reason... the management Does really respect family life and our needs...
but i dont feel very ready.

and how sad it is in our country that women are considered Lucky if they are given more than six weeks maternity leave; that its considered considered almost a crime to complain if you are given more time than that, especially if it is paid time. that the post-partum period is viewed as "over" after your six-week check-up... as if you yourSelf werent born again into another mother, the mother of This newborn. as if your hormones are even balanced by then.

& so all my complaining & kvetching about returning to work, i realise, is totally normal. because emotionally, spiritually, i am not ready. the thought of leaving my newborn, even for just three hours, every day, brings me to tears.

but i will do it, i Am doing it, because that is what our family needs to do at this time. and because i know its not a feeling that will last forever or a situation that will last forever. because i know i have the spiritual, physical and emotional support i Need as a new mother. because i know i will be able to draw from my own experience when i become a birth & post-partum doula, and i know this is all part of the experience *I* need to have.

but today, today i do not feel ready.
22 October 2007 @ 06:43 am

I think it might be the
darkest before dawn
when I am wrapped in
warm blankets with my
feet on the hot belly
of the dog.

The trees are darker then
the 6am sky on mornings
when I wake up with worlds
floating in front of my eyes,
dreams of small apple
orchards and rootstock.

Most nights I wake a few times
at least and always there is
some fiddle tune or other racing
along, I dare not hum it and
disturb its careful nesting.

The maple tree outside the
living room is making its
yearly mess of the yard but
don't look for suffering on my face.

20 October 2007 @ 12:47 am

i see the path you're on is
work,which is throwing the
body against the wheel,it's
own meditation in the fields,
sharing secrets with the
insides of barns

don't share everything so that
one here doesn't touch
reality,just imagines,
dreams,creates now the mythic
jah among the new england wood,

i see the path you're on is
real,and defies my speculation
because the weather can't
enter my pretending
so you spend a fine minute
buttoning your coat and i spend
a fine minute with a shadow
out of corner of my eye
tricking me,